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Post by Sniffles on Jan 24, 2015 5:15:09 GMT
The other side of the Sniffles coin to start this off.
Ulfric is a jerk. He's a bigot. His name sounds like an S&M gig. Goin by his dialogue options he's into snow enemas. He can't run his own city for squat. You sure as hell don't want him running all of Skyrim. Probably keeps a goat and leather tights in his bedroom closet.
Tullius is a mama's boy. Several thousand guys just like him populate the penatgons around the world. Right wing. Full of himself. His name sounds like an S&M goody->Let's try out the tullius! Good old go with the flow type of guy who probably never changes his pants. Do not entrust guys like this with your anus.
Elisif. This chick screamed when she had her first period. She's about as inspiring and interesting as a rice cake. She rules by sovereign right as there is no way in hell anyone would follow her voluntarily farther than to the bathroom. A proud member of the vegetable kingdom. Having chats with her improves immensely if you use removeallitems first.
Elenwen. Obviously also into snow enema's and douches. She makes up in sour grapes what she lacks in personality. She looks like what those old women wearing a half gallon of LeStench you get stuck behind in the line in the supermarket probably smell like without the LeStench. No doubt she masturbates with a rough sawn spruce board each day upon waking up. The kind of gal who would be at home as CEO at Monsanto.
The Greybeards. Have any of these guys taken a bath in the last 50 years? The snow around their shack should be yellow with little piles to fit their constipated life style. Going by their appearance and demeanor the way of the voice could come out either end. Having these guys advising on how to run Skyrim is like getting reality updates from the archdiocese: 500 years out of step. Think gunny sack underwear.
Paarthurnax. The only cool kid on the block. Rolling the dice siding with him but a damned site better than any of the other fossils. He's also got the coolest grin. Riding him is wet dream stuff. Get those scales between your legs. You and the dragonborn, dude! Maybe a disaster waiting to happen but it's goin to be one hell of a party!
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Post by Sniffles on Jan 24, 2015 7:52:32 GMT
A simple mod to explain the entire main quest of Skyrim
Ulfric. Take away his pants. Itty bitty teeny weeny explains his delusions of grandeur perfectly.
Tullius. Always carries a spear and struts like Freddie Mercury and his microphone.
Elisif. Sits with her legs spread wide. Steam punk hair. Right boob exposed ala Janet Jackson showing off piercings and tattoos. Chews gum. Speaks valley girl. Explains her large crowd of followers and sycophants.
Elenwen. HUGE boobs and a really short skirt beneath which a rug is peeking. Maybe natural, maybe mammoth hide panties. Nobody has survived a stint between those bowling ball cracking thighs to tell the tale.
Greybeards. Add a sound file of grunts, groans, creaking, cracking and a whole lot of assorted fart noises.
Paarthurnax. Get Bill Murray to do his voice.
Alduin. Get Bob Goldthwaite to do his voice.
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Post by rhyls on Jan 24, 2015 20:07:51 GMT
Haven't met any of these other than the Greybeards. But I'll tell them what you said when I do meet them. I'm just the local snitch.
Apart from that It made me smile. Nice one.
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Starfox
Kind of A Big Deal
Posts: 50
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Post by Starfox on Jan 26, 2015 4:28:18 GMT
The other side of the Sniffles coin to start this off. Paarthurnax. The only cool kid on the block. Rolling the dice siding with him but a damned site better than any of the other fossils. He's also got the coolest grin. Riding him is wet dream stuff. Get those scales between your legs. You and the dragonborn, dude! Maybe a disaster waiting to happen but it's goin to be one hell of a party! With you on that one....  |
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Post by zedtsayid on Jan 27, 2015 4:47:23 GMT
Please do not insult Freddie with the Tullius comparison, rather try idiots like Glen Beck or Rush Lembau, how ever you spell that.
There is a mod or was that allowed you to become high king by killing them all off, except for Paathurnax of course.
Then you could treat skyrim as benevolant King or despot.
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Post by Sniffles on Jan 27, 2015 6:38:19 GMT
Please do not insult Freddie with the Tullius comparison, rather try idiots like Glen Beck or Rush Lembau, how ever you spell that. There is a mod or was that allowed you to become high king by killing them all off, except for Paathurnax of course. Then you could treat skyrim as benevolant King or despot. I'm covered in rue. Abject apologies to Freddie. I'm sure she was not referring to him but that pole/phallus/microphone thingy he was into waving and stroking. I think it's limbaugh, pronouced limpole or rimjob. Not sure which.. |
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Post by zedtsayid on Jan 27, 2015 16:35:19 GMT
Please do not insult Freddie with the Tullius comparison, rather try idiots like Glen Beck or Rush Lembau, how ever you spell that. There is a mod or was that allowed you to become high king by killing them all off, except for Paathurnax of course. Then you could treat skyrim as benevolant King or despot. I'm covered in rue. Abject apologies to Freddie. I'm sure she was not referring to him but that pole/phallus/microphone thingy he was into waving and stroking. I think it's limbaugh, pronouced limpole or rimjob. Not sure which.. Thanks sniffles and your right it's pronounced Rimjob |
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Post by Jac on Jan 27, 2015 20:00:55 GMT
One of the fastest ways to derail a debate is to resort to name-calling. I get it, you don't like vocal conservatives who express opinions different than yours. Let's get back to the actual debate and leave the childishness out of it. I stopped watching Rush years ago, but I also stopped watching John Stewart and Steven Colbert for the same reasons, but I don't go around poking fun at their names. If you disagree with a person, attack their ideas, not the person itself. Doing so only makes you look childish and foolish.
Anyway, back to the topic: I think you pretty much nailed it in your first post, Sniffles. I don't particularly like either faction, but I side with the Stormcloaks because I think the moratorium on worshiping Talos was wrong. Plus the Aldmeri shouldn't be allowed to kill/kidnap anybody who disagrees with them, which is why I always provoke a patrol whenever I come across them. That and they're so tasty...mmm...damn, now I'm getting hungry.
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Post by Sniffles on Jan 27, 2015 23:34:32 GMT
Let's see.
The Thalmor have been both scripted and illustrated as the great evil. Covert intents and malice aforethought. This is a rather transparent Hollywood movie plot ploy to sway the audiences thinking. Bad #1 for Bethseda.
The Stormcloaks have been presented as racists and xenophobes. They have a point in preserving their traditions and country then Bethseda painted them ugly with various dialogues, or lack thereof in Ulfrics case, and his ugly city. Again, the developers swaying the audiences thinking in order to create diametrically opposed factions. Typical Hollywood movie plot development by creating a contrapuntal situation. Bad #2 for Bethseda
The Imperials are the long suffering, barely surviving protectors of a dying dynasty. So far so good then Bethseda wanted to paint them in a bad light and has them acting like the Thalmor with prisoner abuse and heavy handed tactics. Not exactly bad on Bethseda and an interesting insight into the underlying story line. Cue the unwilling unwitting sheep doing the bidding of their masters. The Third party plot twist. Bad #3 for Bethseda
The foresworn are the original indigenous population, sort of. Bethseda made them spooky and associated them with evil creatures, diabolic type rituals and other assorted blech magic. A little too close to the propaganda machine the white people used in their genocide of the native amerikans. IE Kill enough indians and buy a seat in congress or maybe even a presidency. Bethseda could have done them a LOT better but who gives a shot about them? Disposable plot devices. Bad #4
The only thing Bethseda left out was a Tush Limpole. A malicious rabble rouser who preys upon the ignorance of the masses to sway their thinking to his and the politics he endorses using nationalistic fervor, half truths and innuendo to incite the sheep. Compare to Adolph Hitler. Bethseda could have used this and improved the entire storyline but there is too close a parallel to someone in real life.
All things considered, the anarchist in me gets all hot and bothered by these deliberate efforts to make me think certain ways to where I staunchly support Poodlesnacks up on his mountain and might even be a tad sympathetic towards Alduin.
What did I miss/mess?
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Post by Sniffles on Jan 28, 2015 0:22:44 GMT
I find it funny and ironic when I mentioned supporting Alduin in a past post. I got bellowed at, HE WANTS TO ENSLAVE THE WHOLE WORLD!!!
News flash. That's what the imperials already did and what the Thalmor are working on now. The main difference is Alduin's lizards are huge, easy to spot, and fly around in the sky instead of populating various palaces and playing back stabbing politics. And viewed objectively, the Blue Palace would look really exciting with a dragon or two perched on the roof: "We're just refribbing the shingles! Nothing to see here!"
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Post by Jac on Jan 28, 2015 1:46:30 GMT
I stopped expecting Bethesda to write good plot lines after Oblivion came out.  Though some in Morrowind weren't much better - the whole Sixth House could have been done better. But I've been modding Beth games since Morrowind in part to either shore up or replace those limp plot lines. Then again, I expect Bethesda to give me an interesting sandbox to change how I wish. When I want a story straight out of the box, I play a Bioware game. |
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Post by Sniffles on Jan 28, 2015 3:08:08 GMT
Gamers wet dream IMHO: Baldurs from Candlekeep through Icewind Dale, Neverwinter and the underdark done Skyrim-havok style. The complexity of the romances in BGII SoA included and expanded. And the Viconia character properly expanded. NOT her vanilla soap make over Serana.
Epic. Estimated playing time, 2000 hrs.
PS Have Emma redo Viconia with my sweetness and light sand in the vaseline darling supplying the personality: 'Are you hungry? I could make you something. Minsk testicles bolognase? A steaming mug of mulled cat's pee? No? Well, how about a good hard smack upside the head with my favorite brick?'
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Post by darthorc on Feb 2, 2015 18:25:33 GMT
I have played through the civil war with both factions. To me, the best end result for the common people of Skyrim is if the Empire wins. (It dosen't hurt that a unified empire is NOT what the Thalmor want.) I don't like Maven running the Rift, but, in reality, there never is a completely clean resolution to any civil war.
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Post by wotan on Feb 2, 2015 19:30:09 GMT
The Empire, as we know it, is failing. I wouldn't be surprised if they were invaded and sacked - if not by the Dominion, then by the Nords. And if it's the Nords invading, there's a very good chance a new Empire will spring from the ashes - mighty enough to challenge the Dominion.
After all - Talos was one of the Nords, a true Atmoran. What the Empire needs is a new Tiber Septim, and he/she can only be a Nord. Besides, the Emperor is murdered and the White-Gold throne is empty (Brotherhood questline)
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